The long night
by sk023
Summary: SG-1 bond together and try to recover after the loss of Janet. COMPLETE! Thanks for all the reviews!
1. Default Chapter

Spoilers for:  Heroes, Part 1 & 2

~~Author's notes:  Don't own 'em.  Or Disneyland – or Mickey Mouse – or anything for that matter.  Just having a little fun.  I started this story with something else in mind, but this is the way it turned out.  Let me know if I should continue…~~

It had been a really long day.  But now, finally, I was asleep.  That deep down, snuggled up under warm blankets, never want to move again because every bone in your body is perfectly comfortable sleep.  I had been that way for about half an hour.  That is, until the knocking started.  Softly at first, then with growing intensity until I thought the front door would fall off its hinges.  

"Go 'way!!"  I shouted.  "Can't you see I'm asleep?"

"Sam?  Let me in.  I need to talk to you."

I knew that voice – it could only belong to one person.  What on earth did he want?

"Grrrr," I grumbled, getting out of my really nice, soft bed and stumbled through the mess of clothes that I had shucked in my haste for the total oblivion of sleep.  I made it to the front door; pulled the chain off and jerked open the door.  "What can't wait until tomorrow…err, I mean later in the morning?"  I said, glancing at the clock in the hallway.  2 a.m.  Nothing ever good happens at 2 a.m.  I looked back at him.  His back was to me so I couldn't see his face in the weak moonlight that shone onto my porch.  He turned.

"I..I just wanted to talk to you.  About Janet."  

Janet.  Just her name brought a rush of tears to my eyes.  It was hard to believe that she was gone.  I sighed and opened the door further.  

"Come in, Daniel," I said.  "I'll go make some coffee."

I left him to close the door and went into the kitchen.  I opened the cupboard for the coffee can and a picture taped to the inside of the door caught my eye.  It was of all of us – Me, Jack, Daniel, Teal'c, Cassie and Janet – on a trip to Disneyland.  Jack, Colonel O'Neill, had decided that Teal'c and Cassie needed to experience the fun of an amusement park.  "What better place than Mickey's Palace?" he had said.  I traced our faces with a fingertip, the tears threatening to spill out again.  Daniel.  I must keep it together for Daniel.  Squeezing my eyes shut to prevent tears from escaping, I closed the cupboard door softly.  I heard a shuffling noise and opened my eyes to see Daniel watching me from the doorway.  His eyes were red-rimmed behind his glasses.  

"Coffee will be ready in a minute," I said, setting the can on the counter.  "I should have some cookies around here somewhere if you want one."

Daniel said nothing, but came into the kitchen.  He picked up the coffee pot and began to run water into it.  

"Daniel.  Are you ok?"  I asked, putting the coffee grounds into a filter paper and inserting them into the coffee machine slot.  Daniel poured the water into the machine and flipped it on.  He braced his hands on the counter and sighed.

"No," he replied, turning to face me.  "I don't know if I'll ever be ok again."

Just then, I heard knocking at the front door.  Sighing heavily, I pushed past Daniel and opened the door.

Jack stood there, his head haloed by the moon that still shone in the night.

"Carter," he said.  "Everything ok?  I saw your light on and thought something might be wrong."

"Come in, Sir.  I was just putting the coffee pot on for Daniel.  He had trouble sleeping, too," I said, gesturing for him to come in.  

"Hang on," he says, turning around to wave at his truck.  "Teal'c is with me.  We both couldn't sleep and were driving around.  Nice nightwear, by the way." He was referring to the silky nightshirt that I had pulled on before collapsing earlier.  I grunted a response as I pulled a long coat off the hook by the door, pushed my arms into it and tied it closed.

"Good evening, Major Carter."  Teal'c said, stepping up onto my porch.  "I hope we are not disturbing you at this hour."

"No, Teal'c," I sighed, stepping back.  "It's ok.  Daniel is here, too.  Please come in.  We're having some coffee, sir – want some?  Juice, Teal'c?"  They both nodded and I closed the door behind them.  Pushing past them, I went into the kitchen where Daniel was pouring coffee into three mugs and juice into another, knowing that Teal'c preferred juice to coffee.  

"I'll bring these into the living room, guys," he said.  

Nodding, I led the way into the living room, turning on a few lamps instead of the brighter overhead light.  I curled up in my favorite overstuffed chair as Jack and Teal'c sat down on the sofa.  Daniel entered with a tray bearing the coffee, juice and a plate with a few cookies that he had scrounged and set it down on the table in front of the sofa.  Taking a mug from the tray, he sat down in the chair opposite me and looked at Jack.  

"I guess we're here for the same reason," he said, taking a sip.  

"Yeah, none of us could sleep tonight," Jack said, picking up a mug.  He held it in his hands, staring down into the brew as if he could glean the secrets of the universe from it.

"That is not what you said when you came to me earlier, O'Neill," Teal'c rumbled.  "You said we should check up on Major Carter and Daniel Jackson to see how they were feeling after today's service for Dr. Frasier."

"Geesh, Teal'c," Jack said, still staring into his cup. "Tell all of my secrets, why don't ya."

"Actually, I was asleep before anyone came over," I grouched, leaning over to pick up my cup.  I cradled it in my hands, feeling the heat of the coffee through the ceramic and sighed.  "But, I'm glad that you guys are here.  I think we should talk about…what happened."

Silence.  No one spoke.  Jack shifted restlessly on the sofa.  Teal'c picked up his juice and drained it in one go.  Daniel examined the ceiling, his head resting on the back of the chair.  I looked from person to person before clearing my throat. 

"So…anyone know how the Avalanche did last night?"

Jack picked up the remote from the table and clicked the TV on.  He turned to a sports channel and sat back on the sofa, the relief on his face evident.

No one said anything.

It was going to be a long night.

TBC???  Please review and let me know if I should continue… 


	2. Jack POV

**Spoilers for:  Stargate, The Movie, Children of the Gods, Cold Lazarus, ok, too many to name here…mostly just a quick mention anyway.**

**Disclaimer:  Still don't own anything relating to Stargate, etc.  Just entertaining myself and maybe a few others…**

~~~~~~~~Jack~~~~~~~~

I hate this.  I really, really hate this.  Sharing my feelings is something that I don't want to do.  I am a career military man.  I am Special Black OP's - trained to kill the enemy and not be killed.  I lead these people into battle against unknown enemies and their lives depend on me making rational, unemotional judgments.  I don't complain when I get hurt (no, really, I don't - that would be the drugs that they pump you up with talking) and I certainly don't cry in public.  Ok, so maybe sometimes I'll cry, but only when the situation warrants it - like the Stanley Cup finals, when your team is 2 minutes away from winning and you are going into sudden death.  But, I digress.  When I got out of bed two days ago - I didn't think I'd be here, sitting on Carter's sofa with my team, seeking solace with them from a loss of this magnitude.  Being military, I should be used to saying good-bye.  People leave - they get reassigned or quit.  Soldiers die.  But, Janet was not just any soldier.  She was a friend.  A good friend.  According to Teal'c, she died in the way all Jaffa want to go - in battle.  "Hers was an honorable death, O'Neill," he had said.  "She gave her life protecting someone who could no longer protect themselves.  Do you think that she would have preferred it any other way?"

I don't know anymore.  

Earlier today, (or was it yesterday? The days seem to be running together.) I went up to the surface for a little me time before Janet's service.  There is this sweet little spot up there - you are up so high - you can see for miles and the sky just seems to go on and on.  I go up there to clear my mind sometimes - when I need a little break or breathing space.  Sitting there, you can imagine eternity.   I was there today when I heard someone stumbling through the bushes.  It was Daniel coming to find me.  He dropped down on the ground next to me and said nothing for a moment.  Then it was like someone had pulled a plug out of his mouth because all this stuff came gushing out.  

"I don't think I can do this anymore, Jack.  I have lost too many people in my life - Sha're, my parents, my family on Abydos, Nick, Reese and now Janet.  So many times we have come close to losing Teal'c and Sam - not to mention the countless times we've almost lost you," he said, staring out at the horizon.  "I can't deal with this.  My brain has actually frozen.  I feel numb inside.  I can't work.  I can't even eat.  I go the long way around Level 18 to avoid the infirmary because I know she's not there."  He pulled his glasses off and looked at them before rubbing his eyes with his other hand.  "Tell me how to deal with this.  Tell me how you deal with this, because I don't think that I can."  He shoved his glasses back on his face and looked at me.  "Say something, Jack," he pleaded.

I sighed.  "I don't know, Daniel," I said.  I couldn't look at him.  "I can't tell you how to deal with this.  I can't even say how I do it - I just keep moving, putting one foot in front of the other and before I know it - days have passed and the hurt has lessened a bit.  You don't think about it as much.  But you don't forget them.  You never forget."  I finally turned my head to look at him.  "How's Sam doing?"

"That's why I came up here, really," he said, biting the inside edge of his lip.  "She's not doing so well.  I went to check on her and she was crying in her lab.  She practically slammed the door in my face.  I think she needs you."

"Carter doesn't need me," I said, raising my hand when he began to reply, "but, I'll go and talk to her if you think that would help."

"I think it would, Jack," he said, getting to his feet.  "I really think it would."

"I'll be down in a minute," I said, looking back out to the horizon.  "I just need a minute."

Daniel nodded and walked back towards the foot of the hill and the entryway for the mountain.  

I was left alone with my thoughts.   

Later, I made my way back down into the mountain.  I stopped off at the commissary to grab some blue Jell-O - Carter's favorite.  I figured that she wouldn't slam the door in my face if I brought an offering.  If that failed, I could just order her to let me in.  Pulling rank can be sweet.  The door to her office was open.  She wasn't in it.  OK, let's see. - if I was Carter, where would I be.  I thought for a moment and picked up the phone. 

"Control Room, Sergeant Siler speaking." 

"Sergeant, this is Colonel O'Neill.  Is Major Carter up there?"     

"No, Sir, Colonel.  I haven't seen her in quite a while.  Would you like me to page her for you?"

"No, Sergeant.  That will be all."

"Colonel, I can let you..." Siler's voice died out as I hung up the phone.

I walked over to the locker room and met Lieutenant Jones coming out.  She snapped to attention.

"Good morning, Colonel, sir!"

"At ease, Lieutenant.  Have you seen Major Carter?"  

"No, Sir, Colonel, sir," she gulped.  I sighed.  She was new.  "I haven't seen Major Carter today.  There is no one in the locker rooms."

"Thank you, Lieutenant.  As you were," I said turning on my heel.  There was only one other place that I thought that she could be.

Walking into the Gate room, I paused as memories flooded through my mind.  The first time I saw the gate actually work.  Going through it the first time with Daniel, seeing Sam's first reaction to the formation of the event horizon and then pushing her through it, returning to Abydos for Daniel and coming back with Teal'c and the refugees from Chulak.  The time we were going to return that alien metal probe thingy it's planet and it shot the metal bar through my shoulder, pinned me to the wall and tried to take over my body (I almost died that time - and no complaining!!  Well, almost none.).   Taking the entity that looked like my son Charlie back to his planet.   The countless times that I have carried others or been carried myself through it.  Almost always with Janet waiting at the base of the ramp with her medical bag of tricks to fix what ever couldn't wait for us to get to the infirmary.  

At first look, it seemed that the Gate room was empty, but I knew better.  There's a spot off to one side of the Gate room that isn't visible from the control room windows above or to the security cameras that dot our facility.  I know because I have sat in that spot before - several times.  As I walked around the weapons trained at the gate, I could see her sitting there with her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them.  Her head was resting on her knees - I couldn't see her face.  I glanced up at the bank of windows into the control room, but could only see the top of Siler's head.  He hadn't noticed me coming into the Gate room.  

"Carter," I said softly, not wanting to startle her.  "I brought this for you."  I thrust out my hand still holding the cup of blue Jell-O in it.  "Jell-O, it's good for what ails ya."   

"Thank you, sir, but I'm not really hungry right now," she said, her voice muffled by her knees.  

I looked at her for a minute, sighed, and levered myself down next to her, my knees creaking in protest.

"Carter," I said, putting the Jell-O cup off to one side.  I laced my fingers together and looked at them.  "I'm sorry.  I know this is going to be rough on you, but we're gonna get through it."

Her head popped up at this.  She turned to look at me, her blue eyes full of unshed tears.  "We are," she said, "but it's just so hard right now."  Her bottom lip quavered and she bit it as one tear slipped out and ran down her cheek.  She looked down and sniffed as another slipped down to join it's brother.  "I just can't seem to stop crying."  She looked back up at me, her face a mask of pain.  I unlaced my fingers, put my arm around her and pulled her close, her head resting on my shoulder.  She turned into me, her arms coming around me.  She hid her face against my shoulder, her quiet sobs becoming more noticeable as her shoulders shook with the effort of restraining them.  I pulled her into a better position where she was almost sitting in my lap and wrapped my arms around her as she began to sob harder.  

"Shhh," I murmured, as I began to stroke her head.  "It's ok to cry.  You loved her.  We all did."  I began to rock her slowly back and forth.  I noticed Siler walk into the Gate room, obviously looking for the source of the noise that he could hear from the control room.  He caught sight of me, us, and I waved one hand at him, gesturing for him to go away.  He retreated and the blast door to the room slid shut.

She pulled back at the sound of the door closing and looked at me, her tear streaked face aghast.  "Oh God, Jack.  What are we going to tell Cassie?  Daniel says we can't reach her because she's on that retreat for a month.  She doesn't even know about Janet.  It will kill her if she misses this.  She's already lost one mother and now…" Fresh tears welled up and I pulled her back into my arms.  

"It's ok, Sam.  Hammond has sent Teal'c and a helicopter to get her.  She'll be here.  And we'll be here for her," I finished, patting her back.  "We're family and we will take care of each other."  Finally her sobs began to die down and she pushed away from me, sniffling softly.  She gave me a small smile.

"Thanks, Jack, I mean, Sir," she said, knuckling away the remnants of the tears that still wet her cheeks.  "You've made me feel better." She stood up and sighed heavily.  "I guess, I better go any work on my speech for the memorial service.  Teal'c gave me some good ideas of what to say."  

I stood up, wincing only slightly when my knees groaned in protest.  "Yeah, T should be here pretty soon with Cassie.  I'll let you know when they get here."  She nodded, looking back down at her feet.  "You know, Carter, we're gonna be ok."

She looked back up at me, her eyes still shining with moisture.  "I know, Jack.  Thanks."

"Anytime," I said, stretching my arms over my head.  "I guess I'd better change my clothes, as I seem to have gotten caught in a waterfall."  She smiled slightly at this as she turned towards to the exit door.

"You might want to catch Siler before the rumor mill starts churning about us again," she said over her shoulder as she hit the switch to open the door.  "You know how fast that thing runs."

"Nah," I shrugged, as I followed her out the door, "I'll just tell 'em you had something in your eye and I was helping you get it out."

She snorted.  "Like they'll believe that."  She turned to face me.  "Thanks again, Sir," she said seriously.  "It really meant a lot to me that you …well, you know…" Her voice trailed off.

"Think nothing of it," I quipped, breaking the obvious tension.  "I'd do it for anybody."  She smiled at that and turned to walk towards the lift that would take her back to her office.  "Anytime.  Day or night, I'll be there.  Yeah."  I turned to walk away and noticed an airman standing at attention next to the stairs that led to the control room.  "Hi, how ya doin'," I said as I sprinted up the stairs, hoping to get to Siler before the base was abuzz with this new bit of gossip.

It was going to be a long day. 


	3. Teal'c POV

Disclaimers:  Nope SG-1 still doesn't belong to me…darn it!!! 

**Sopilers:  Multiple shows – mainly Season 1 and 7.**

**AN:  Thanks for all the kind reviews…I really, truly appreciate them!!**

~~~~~~~~Teal'c~~~~~~~

The Tau'ri are most interesting in their ways of dealing with grief.  Some openly display their pain while others lock it away and pretend that it does not affect them.  I have witnessed such behavior in the last day. 

Today we held a memorial service for Dr. Janet Frasier.  She died in a firefight while tending to a wounded soldier.  Daniel Jackson was with her when she passed.  I believe he feels guilty – that he did not properly protect her.  I do not understand why he feels this way.  Daniel Jackson could not have foreseen the events that would ultimately cause her death, even had he been a properly trained warrior.  She died honorably, the way any Jaffa, or Tau'ri soldier for that matter, would wish to die – in battle, protecting those who cannot protect themselves.  Nevertheless, Daniel Jackson still wishes to take the blame for her loss.  He has sought the company of his friends – no, his family – to help him through this time.

Colonel O'Neill, on the other hand, does not allow his emotions show.  Like myself, O'Neill is a trained soldier who deals with death daily.  He cannot let emotion get in the way of his duty.  O'Neill's face today was devoid of all emotion, save one moment during the memorial service.   When he was received the flag that draped Dr. Frasier's coffin, his facade slipped for a moment and I saw the sadness and regret that lingered in his eyes.  A flash of sorrow and it was gone – rather like lightening.  O'Neill is a man who feels things deeply, yet hides his feelings with a protective layer of sarcasm and wit.  Although some may consider him to be slightly intellectually challenged, very few, if any, would refuse to follow him into battle.  O'Neill instinctually inspires trust in people.  I know I trusted him the moment I first saw him.  

I had long been resigned to my life as First Prime to Apophis.  Although I no longer revered him as my god, I felt that I was in an untenable situation – one from which there was no escape.  Days, then weeks and months passed as I went about my duties with extreme distaste and mounting horror.  The worst day, however, was when I was required to choose Apophis's new queen from a selection of women slaves that had been captured and brought to my home planet of Chulak.  Had I known then what I do now, I would have never chosen Daniel Jackson's wife Sha're as a possible candidate.  Some mistakes, however, can never be undone.  I had hoped there could have been a way to save her as we did Skarra, and although I regret my action of taking her life when she risked Daniel Jackson's…I had no other course of action.  She is gone now, just as Dr. Frasier is gone, and with her, another part of us.  

Major Carter, Dr. Frasier's best friend and confidant, has shown the most backbone for us all.  Earlier today, however, was a different story.  I had spoken to General Hammond about Dr. Frasier's memorial service and I had mentioned my concern that Cassandra Frasier would be unable to attend, being as she was off on a retreat.  He requested that I be the SG-1 member that retrieved Cassandra Frasier, as we were her family.  After thanking him for the honor and trust that he bestowed upon me, he mentioned that Major Carter was delivering the eulogy at the memorial service.  He requested that I "drop by" her lab to see if she required any assistance.  I inclined my head and departed.  As I walked through the halls of the SGC, I began to think about those that I had lost.  My father - killed by Cronus in a fit of rage; my wife, Drey'auc, who refused a new symbiote to sustain her own life so that no other Jaffa would have to sacrifice theirs for her and Sho'nac, my lost love and friend, killed by the Goa'uld Tanith.  All these people, and more, gave their lives so that others can live free.  I went to my quarters before going to see Major Carter and retrieved a few words that I had written today after kel'nor'eem.  I felt that they might assist her in gathering her thoughts. As I entered her lab, I saw that she had been crying.  She told me that General Hammond had asked her to speak at the memorial service, but that she was unsure of what to say.  I told her that she should speak from her heart and that I had written a few words that I might say if given the chance.  However, it may sound better coming from her.  I assured her that I would retrieve Cassandra Frasier and would return as soon as possible.  After reading my words, she smiled and then embraced me.  I returned her hug and left pick up Cassandra Frasier.

Flying in a UH-1C was a new experience to me.  Also called the "Huey Hog", it is a bit more spacious than a standard OH-6 Cayuse that is commonly used by the Cheyenne Mountain staff.  As we flew through the Rocky Mountains and neared the retreat site, I pondered what I might say to Cassandra Frasier to ease her suffering.  All the usual things that one might say upon such occasions do not seem to apply here.  I supposed I would have to, as O'Neill would say, "wing it".

As we arrived at the retreat site, a small crowd had gathered in the clearing.  In the center of the group was Cassandra Frasier.  Her friends embraced her before she walked towards me, tears evident on her face.  I stepped out from the cockpit and took her into my arms.

"I am glad to see you, Cassandra.  I am deeply grieved for your loss."

"I know you are, Teal'c," she said, her voice muffled against my shirt.  "Thank you for coming."

I helped her into the helicopter and handed her a set of headphones.  She put them on as the helicopter rose into the air.  Waving at her friends as we departed, she then turned to me.

"Were you there?  I mean, when she…" She paused, unable to continue.

"No, I am sorry.  I was with Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter.  Daniel Jackson, however, was with her." I replied, patting her hand.  

Cassie sighed.  "I'm glad that Daniel was with her.  Do you…think that she felt any pain?"

Again, I patted her hand.  "No, she went quickly.  I do not think she even knew that it happened.  Your mother was doing what she did best – helping an injured soldier.  She had great honor."

Cassie smiled tearfully at that.  "She would have appreciated hearing that."  She turned away to look out the window.

The remainder of the flight was silent; we were each lost in our own thoughts.

Just as we were in sight of the base, she, again, turned towards me.

"How are the others taking it?  Is Sam ok?"  She looked at me questioningly.  

I was unsure of how to respond.  "Colonel O'Neill is dealing with it in his own way.  Major Carter is understandably upset, and I have not spoken to Daniel Jackson is some time.  I think that they, we, may be more concerned about how you are at this time."  I rushed ahead with my thoughts.  "If you need to talk about this, I will be happy to listen."

"Thank you, Teal'c," she said, leaning over to give me a reassuring hug.  "It's going to be rough, but I know that I have you guys to help me and that means a lot."

The helicopter landed and I helped her out.  Major Carter appeared, wearing her class A dress blues and immediately wrapped her arms around Cassandra.  "Oh God, Cassie," she said.  "I'm so sorry, honey."  The two walked away toward the entry door as I followed, carrying Cassandra's duffle bag.

We entered the facility and rode the elevator down to the staff residence level.  Colonel O'Neill, also wearing his dress blues, was waiting for us as the doors slid open.  He opened his arms and Cassandra flew into them.  He kissed the top of her head and hugged her hard.  He kept one arm around her as he began to walk with her down the hall towards Major Carter's quarters.  I handed Major Carter the duffle bag and spoke softly to her.  "I will change and meet you in the conference room.  Have you seen Daniel Jackson?"

"Yes," she replied, taking the bag.  "He is waiting for us there.  How was the flight?"

"Cassandra Frasier is a strong woman," I said.  "She was more concerned about the rest of us rather than herself."

"Just like her mother," Major Carter said, sighing heavily.  "Thank you for going to get her, Teal'c.  I really appreciate it."  She smiled at me.

"Do not concern yourself about it.  Wild equines could not have prevented me," I replied as I turned and walked away to my own quarters to change for the memorial.  

This was going to be a long and sorrowful afternoon.


	4. Sam POV

**Disclaimer:  Don't own anything relating to Stargate or it's characters.**

**Spoilers: V. brief mention of 100 days and Heroes, Part 2**

**AN:  Thanks for all your reviews – only one more chapter to go!!**

The Journal of Major Doctor Samantha Carter, USAF

Entry # 102-2004

"Inevitably" is a word that I have come to use a lot.  Inevitably, we are all born; most of us grow up and, inevitably, pay taxes.  Some get married and, for most, inevitably, have kids.  In the military there are three inevitabilities.  

1.  You will inevitably not like your drill sergeant.  

2.  You will inevitably do more push-ups in the rain than you ever though you could.

3.  Inevitably, someone you know will die.

Actually, everyone dies - it's just inevitably a matter of when.  Or as Jack would say, "when the Big Man calls your number."  

I have lost my best friend.  Cassie has lost her mother.  The SGC has lost a valued doctor and team member.  Daniel is quiet on the matter.  I think he may have started to care for her more than he let on to the rest of us.  Teal'c, more used to death than perhaps any of us, says that it is never easy - the lost ones are mourned for a season on Chulak and then life goes on.  Their loved ones are in shock for a time, mourn them and then move on - not forgetting, perhaps, but just getting on with life.  What was it that Laira said?  She mourned her husband for 100 days.  My dad has mourned the loss of my mother since I was thirteen and I'm, what, 29 now?  Just kidding.  Janet would have laughed at that joke.  God, I miss her!

I have been sitting here staring at the ceiling for the past several hours, reliving the today's events.  Cassie has gone to stay at a friend's house - they probably took her out to get drunk - that's what my brother's friends did when my mom died.  I was too young to do anything like that, but I remember my dad screaming at him when he finally came home the next day - about lack of respect, and how could he and so on.  As if my dad could talk - the Kentucky whiskey and bourbon that he loves were conspicuously absent from our liquor cabinet that day.  I think he was sad than Mark couldn't share his grief with us.  Their rift started there and has only recently begun to heal.   

Today was such a messed up day.  Teal'c found me crying in my lab.  I think he was taken aback since I never let anyone see me cry.  Earlier, General Hammond had asked me to say a few words at Janet's memorial service but my mind was blank and I could think of nothing to say that could sum up her life in a few short phrases.  Teal'c told me that he had spoken to the general who had requested that he, Teal'c, pick up Cassie from the retreat that she was on so that I wouldn't have to do it.  Teal'c also shared with me some thoughts that he had written down.  Words that he might say at the service if given the chance, but thought it would sound better coming from me.  I was so touched after reading his words - I just hugged him.  Not usually being a demonstrative person, I was surprised and pleased when he hugged me back - sharing his strength with me when I needed it most.  I finished the speech in record time after that.  Dr Mackenzie came to me just after I had finished and asked me to help him sort through some of her stuff - apparently the military wanted her personal effects gathered and removed as soon as possible.  Sometimes I hate the military for their compassionate non-existence, but this was something that I knew had to be done.  Her office took little time - only a few pictures and various things were in her desk.  It was her locker that set me off again.  

As I opened the door, her perfume wafted out at me.  The heart necklace that Cassie had given her on her last birthday was there along with her favorite earrings that had been her mothers.  The uniform that she had been wearing that morning was on a padded hanger.  Pictures…of Cassie and of SG-1, her parents - so many points of light from a life that was now over.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I slammed the door shut and ran out of there.  I needed to be someplace where I could hide.  Going topside was a thought, but I would have to sign out too many times and that would mean answer questions that would, inevitably, be asked.  So I went to the only other place that I could not be seen by the security cameras - the Gate room.  There is a place there that if the door is open and you keep tight to the wall you can enter undetected when the camera pans away to the other side.  Underneath the control room windows, there is an opening - big enough to sit down in comfortably.  Unseen by any security camera, it's right behind the big guns that are trained at the gate 24/7.  I think it is used for ammo storage when there is a "situation".  Anyway, it was to this place I went, knowing that Sergeant Siler was the only one in the control room and I could get into the Gate room without him seeing me – I've done it before.  I had only been there for about 10 minutes, alternately crying and trying in vain to get myself together when salvation appeared…in the form of Jack O'Neill.  How he knew I'd be there and that I needed him right then, I'll never know.  But there he was…and bearing a feel better gift of Jell-o.  

He sat down next to me and just sat there, quietly offering his support.  I think that undid me even more than Janet's locker.  I started to cry again and he pulled me onto his lap and rocked me like a baby while I cried.  Oh, God!  He felt so good and smelled so nice.  He was so caring and wonderful - a little part of my mind was greedily gathering details to go over later when I'm alone.  The feel of his hands caressing my back and the utter peace I feel when we are like this.  It makes me wish that…ok, I'm torturing myself now.  Anyway, he helped me get myself back together and walked me back towards my lab, leaving me with a casual "Anytime, Carter." as if what he had done carried little significance.  If he only knew…

A few minutes later, Teal'c arrived with Cassie and we had the memorial service.  Teal'c's and my words were well received - there wasn't a dry eye in the house - mine included.  Cassie and I gathered up Janet's stuff and we went…home.  Cassie is staying with me until we can decide what to do with the house - sell it or rent it until Cassie decides if she wants to live here or not.  She'll be going off to college soon and the rental income might be good for her.  Maybe we could rent it to one of the SG team families - that way we'd know it was in good hands - but those are thoughts for another day.  

(End of Journal Entry)

I sighed and closed my journal.  Pushing it away from me, I went into the kitchen and opened up a bottle of the red wine that Janet and I used to like to drink on our Girl's Night In.  Carrying a glass, I went out into the garden that she had helped me plant earlier that spring.  I laid out an old blanket on the grass and stretched out, the wine glass resting on my stomach.  It was a clear night with a gentle breeze, the full moon just rising over the horizon. As I sipped my wine, I looked up at the multitude of stars and I remembered a conversation that we had once while sunbathing in this very yard.  

"If the war with the Goa'uld were over tomorrow, what would you do the next day?" she had asked, sitting up to apply more lotion to her shoulders.

"Go fishing with Jack" was my initial thought, but I couldn't say that.

"Oh, I don't know," I said, "maybe sleep late and then go see my brother and his family, I guess.  You?"

"I'd plant a tree," she said promptly.

"Plant a tree?" I questioned, raising my sunglasses up to see if she was serious.

"Yup.  My mom was big into that.  Our family owns this plot of land, you see, and every time something momentous happens, we plant a tree in honor of the occasion.   My parents planted an Englewood Spruce – sort of rare, but sturdy - when they got married, a Hawthorn tree when I was born, and an Aspen tree when my dad came home from Vietnam.  I planted a Ponderosa Pine when they died – the tree sometimes smells like vanilla, which was my mom's favorite scent - when I adopted Cassie, we planted a Chokecherry tree…the list goes on," she finished, lying back on the lounger.  "My mom used to say that trees are eternal.  They start from a seed and can grow into something huge.  You can cut them down and dig the roots out of the ground, but something of the tree always remains, whether it is pieces of wood that will rot and feed the earth or leftover roots that will inevitably grow back into another tree."  

I mulled this over for a few seconds.  "Yeah, I guess you are right.  Trees do seem to survive.  Lord knows we see enough of them on almost every planet we visit."

Janet laughed and rolled over onto her stomach.  "Daniel says that the Colonel loves to complain about them."

I laughed also.  "That he does," I said.  "That he does."

My memory ended here and I blink as I see a shooting star streak across my field of vision.  I now know what to do.  Tomorrow, Cassie and I will visit the nursery for a flowering tree and plant it on Janet's (now Cassie's) land.  She would like that.

Finishing my wine, I got up and picked up the blanket.  I went back inside the house and put the glass in the sink.  Making sure that all the doors were locked, I went into my bedroom, changed into my favorite sleep shirt and sank down on the bed.  Turning off the light, I thought about all that had happened that day.  Worn out from several bouts of crying, I had no trouble falling asleep only to be woken a few hours later by an insistent pounding on my door.  Daniel, later followed by Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c, descended upon my doorstep and invaded my house.  Coffee and juice were passed out as we sat in front of the TV.   The Colonel insisted on being in charge of the remote, so I just sat there, enjoying the feeling of being surrounded by my friends.  Not much was said and I dozed off in my chair, waking to find myself being carried into my room by Jack (if he is in my bedroom, I refuse to think of him as the Colonel!).  As he placed me on the bed, I opened my eyes and looked at him.  

"Ok if we stay the night, Carter?" he asked softly, already knowing that I would not say no.  "T 's taken the sunroom and Daniel is crashing on the sofa.   I called dibs on the pull out in the study," he admitted with a shy smile.  

I smiled sleepily at him and nodded.  "Tomorrow we plant a tree for her," I said, before closing my eyes.

He pulled the comforter up over me and ran his hand over the side of my head, ruffling my hair slightly.  Almost as an afterthought, he leaned down and placed a kiss on my forehead, murmuring, "Ok, Sam, whatever." and turned out the light.  I heard him shut the door as he left and then say something to Daniel.  I also heard him curse quietly when he stubbed his toe on the table outside my office door.  Smiling in the darkness, I listened to the house settle into silence, my friends just a call away if I needed them.  Rolling over, I snuggled down under the comforter and buried my head into the pillow.  My long day was finally over. 


	5. Daniel POV

Disclaimer:  Don't own anything relating to Stargate, it's characters or parent companies…but I'm hoping for Mother's Day, maybe?

**Spoilers:  A few, but pretty minor ones.**

**AN:  Thank you for all your reviews – this is the final chapter!!  I can't believe I've actually finished one!!**

~~~~~~~Daniel~~~~~~~

We buried Janet today.  As I stood, watching her casket being lowered into the ground, I kept thinking, "This is so surreal.  I can't imagine going into the infirmary and not seeing her there, coming out of her office, ready with her penlight, needles and a kind word to make it all better."  It was hard to breathe as my eyes filled up with unshed tears and a hand slipped into mine.  I looked down at Cassie who was watching me, her eyes large and troubled.  I don't have words for her.  I squeezed her hand as Sam put an arm around Cassie's shoulders.  This has been the longest day.  

I was talking to Jack earlier and I told him that I couldn't do this anymore.  I told him that my mind was numb – I wasn't exaggerating.  I haven't been able to hold onto a cohesive thought for what seems like days, but only may be hours.  I keep remembering all the times that Janet and I shared, laughter over coffee in the commissary or long late night talks while I was cooped up in the infirmary after being patched up after one mishap or the other.  I guess that is when I really got to know her.  

Janet Frasier was not your normal military woman.  She lived through a messy and painful divorce only to come out stronger.  She spent time in Iraq during the Gulf War – something I did not know until one of our late night talks – and lived to tell about it.  She had seen the pain of death, yet seemed untouched by it.  Janet had a steel backbone, encased in a gentle, caring heart.  She took Cassie into her home and heart when her family, hell, her whole planet, was killed by Nirrti's experimenting.  She truly was a caring person.

She could, however, be ruthless when it came to our health and well being.  Jack called her a "Napoleonic power monger", but he would say that about anyone who would confine him to his bed or stick him in the butt with those "big honkin' needles" that she so often seemed to be using on him.  She was special – to me, to everyone who knew her, going beyond the call of duty and working long hours with little or no sleep to watch over us.  That went for all the SGC personnel, be it military or civilian staff.  She was our "Mother Hen", waiting at the end of the gate ramp when we returned from a mission, clucking us over and ushering whomever was injured to the infirmary – usually me.  

Always ready to listen, Janet helped me through some of the most traumatic times in my life.  She was there for me when Sha're died.  I can never thank her enough for that.  I wouldn't talk to anyone – not even Jack or Sam – but Janet just kept quiet, and was ready with a shoulder to cry on when I was ready to talk.  The time that I was possessed by Ma'chello's Goa'uld killers, Janet tried everything she knew before MacKenzie had me committed to the insane asylum.  I remember her holding my hand when I was dying from the radiation that I'd been exposed to on Kelowna.  So many times, we were on the brink of dying, only to be brought back by her capable hands.  She was our calm port in the tempest storm.

She never let me down.  

I let her down.

I wasn't ready when she needed me the most.  Maybe, if I had paid more attention to our surroundings rather than that stupid video camera, she'd still be alive.  Teal'c and Jack have both said that it was not my fault, and I know this.  I just wish that I could have done something different – anything – to keep her here.  She's gone – she's not coming back.  And I'll never be the same without her.  

So, here I sit, in Sam's living room, watching Jack flip through channels, bemoaning the fact that there is nothing on TV at this hour.  My coffee has grown cold, yet I still clutch the cup in my hands.  Teal'c has gone off to the sunroom to kel'noreem and Sam has fallen asleep in her chair.  I put my cup down on the table and motion to Jack to shut off the TV.  He nods, stands and walks over to Sam.  

"Carter," he murmurs.  "Carter, it's bedtime."

She mumbles something incoherent and shifts in the chair.

Jack looks at me and sighs.  He scoops her into his arms and turns to me.  "I'll flip ya for the bed in the office," he says as he goes past me towards the hallway and Sam's bedroom door.  He pauses and looks at me over his shoulder.

"That's ok, Jack," I say, dragging the blanket off the sofa.  "I'll stay out here.  You can have the bed.  Just don't trip over the hall table in the dark and wake everybody up."

He looks at me for a minute more, shifting Sam into a better position in his arms.  "You know, we're gonna be ok, Spacemonkey," he says, giving me a slight smile.  "We're going to get through this – together."  

I nod at him and he turns and walks down the hallway towards Sam's room.  I stretch out on the recently vacated sofa and flip off the side table lamp as I hear Jack speaking softly to Sam and her bedroom door closing.  He moves off further down the hall, swearing softly as he stubs his toe on the hall table.  I smile, the first real smile since yesterday morning.  The office door opens and shuts.

I lay here in the dark, my arms crossed behind my head.  The house is now silent.  I can hear the wind chimes on the patio tinkle as a gentle breeze blows in through the partially open patio door billowing the filmy curtains.  The wind ruffles my hair slightly and it's as if she is there, letting me know that it is ok and she'll still be watching us from above.  I smile at my slightly fanciful thought and roll onto my side facing the window.  The curtains puff out again, as if waiting for a response from me.  I say the only thing that I can.

"Thank you, Janet.  For everything that you were and always will be to us, thank you."

The wind calms and I hear a bird call, sweetly heralding the coming dawn.  Another day has begun.

**~Fin.~**


End file.
